This section of script is pretty much written by me, though of course when filming it with Robert we tweaked bits together. Anyway, here we go...
JOHNNY'S
ADVERT
We
are watching an old Anglia TV break bumper ident (or ITV Night-time).
Video-effect crackle. Then cut to:
Cheapo
graphics out of the centre of the screen:
JOHNNY
COCKTAIL
LIFESTYLE
GURU
/PRIVATE
INVESTIGATOR
Now
a succession of shadowy shots:
- Chink of light from door into a dark room.
- Hands juggling money badly.
- Cup of tea smashes on floor.
- Mascara teardrops down a cheek.
Door
opens from lightened hall into darkened room where person is on their
knees crying. Person looks round in hope.
GRUFF
COCKNEY V/O: [over these] Are
you weak? Are you feeble? Are you at the end of
your tether?
Cut
to XCU of JC's gruff cockney mouth.
JC:
Well listen up!!
XCU
- JC beats his fist down on the table he's sat behind. A tumbler
wobbles.
JC:
Cos there's millions
of others... [uses
hands to get out of chair, cut to side view as he rises – now we
see him properly]
JC:
...in the same position.
Close-up
of his stern face, still in side-on.
JC:
Now are you gonna sit
there... [turns to the
front again, cut to front view]
JC:
Or are you gonna do something about it?
[Number appears on screen, JC points to it] Make
the call.
Keep
the phone number up as scene changes – background music swells
(Terrahawks-style synthesized heroic theme) – now a montage of JC
at work:
- In library taking down book on Man Skills
- Cracking a Sudoku with pencil, ruler and calculator
- Peering down a microscope
- Writing a computer program
- Outward bound with map and rucksack (in urban park)
- Performing a simple sleight-of-hand magic trick – piff paff poof!
- Taking flowers to an old lady who gives him the wink
- Brandishing a pistol Professionals-style
- Soloing on a guitar
- Changing a lightbulb
JC
V/O: [Over
all these] I've
been helping people in a professional capacity for upwards of thirty
years. From the poorest in the land, to old members of Saxon. From
the stockroom to the shagroom. From John O'Groats to John O'End, and
beyond. I'm getting everywhere. You spacemen can watch out an' all!
I'm always on hand, not just for birds, but little old ladies too.
Even helped me mum
out the day I was born...
Close-up
of paper bag – JC's fist comes through it towards camera. We see
his mouth behind.
JC:
Punched me way out
didn't I!
A
toy helicopter shoots across the sky.
A
painted JC figure skydives towards the camera...
...real
JC lands on the ground with a roll.
JC
V/O: [Over
all these] Sign
up before March 30th
and get this free fact pack...
GRAPHIC:
“FREE FACT PACK if you sign up before March 30th”
CAPTION
BOTTOM RIGHT (very surreptitiously): “Only available in R.O.I.”
Stylised
gunshots down the screen superimposed with each item.
V/O:
...with a guru lollipop, Johnny's threadworm leaflet, and this...
limited edition print.
JC
is running manfully past the camera, the screen is seared outward
with a ring of fire and we now see the printed monstrosity full
screen.
V/O:
How futuristic is that?! It doesn't even have a face on it!!
Cut
back to JC, leaning against his desk. Meaningful guitar music. Phone
number up again in corner.
JC:
Make the call, my friend. I stay up half the night so you don't have
to.
JC picks up his empty glass of
scotch and holds it near his mouth for some seconds while the advert
fails to end.
